This blog contains references to domestic abuse, mental health difficulties and the loss of children through adoption, which some readers may find difficult.
The author of this blog is a birth mother who has lived through adoption and the challenges of seeking support. She is now actively involved in advocacy and support work, volunteering with PAC-UK, contributing to Adoption England’s Birth Parent Reference Group, and speaking at adopter training sessions to help build understanding between adopters and birth families. By sharing her lived experience, she works to raise awareness, influence policy and support others on their journey.
For many years, “support” was something I rarely experienced. My journey as a birth mother, losing my children to the care system, was filled with meetings, court hearings, endless reports, and professionals talking at me rather than with me. I was too traumatised to use my voice. Caught between fight, flight and freeze, I carried childhood trauma into adulthood, and very few people stopped to truly understand me.
At just 19, I was a victim of domestic violence, a mother losing her children, and a young woman with no support in sight. I had already faced suicide attempts, intrusive thoughts and years of feeling unseen.
Unsafe “safe” places
From the age of 17, I was placed in women’s refuges and safe houses. These were meant to protect me, but often the environments felt unsafe, with people coming and going and situations that didn’t feel secure for me or my baby. Going back to my ex-partner and family sometimes felt easier than facing those surroundings.
Over the 23 years of my experience with social services and adoption, I can recall only three occasions where I received meaningful support and was treated with dignity and understanding. Many professionals such as GPs, counsellors and therapists tried to help, but often my struggles were reduced to just the domestic abuse or my traumatic childhood. Of course, those things shaped me, but what I desperately needed was for someone to acknowledge the devastating impact of my children being removed.
A glimpse of support
Eight months after my final hearing, I gave birth to my son with the same partner. As there had been no recorded violence for 12 months, I was allowed to keep him. When he was six months old, I finally left my partner and moved into a refuge. This time, I received the best support I had ever known.
I was signposted to charities, received post-adoption therapy, and slowly began to believe I could move forward. Alongside this healing came another blow: my letterbox contact with my daughters was stopped because the adopters found the letters “too hurtful.” The painful reality was that I hadn’t even written those letters – a social worker had.
My mental health crumbled. I had to put my feelings for my girls in a box and focus on raising my son. We lived in a new town with no family or friends, but I found some strength in Sure Start and domestic violence support services.
The impact on my son
I raised my son with honesty. From an early age, he knew he had two sisters and that one day, he would meet them. However, when he started school, he was bullied for having “imaginary sisters.” Teachers didn’t understand what adoption meant for birth families, and they didn’t support him.
The impact was heartbreaking. He learnt to stay silent about his sisters. The emotional cost has been lifelong. He’s 19 now, and although it has been difficult, I am proud of the resilience he has shown in navigating these challenges.
Finding real support
Things began to change in 2021, as my eldest daughter’s 18th birthday approached. My emotions became overwhelming, and I feared another breakdown. In desperation, I found PAC-UK, a post-adoption support service. I self-referred, terrified of being judged or told to “move on.”
Instead, for the first time ever, I was heard. My support worker listened, never judged, and validated my pain. We had six sessions together, and she explained adoption in a way I could finally understand. For once, my trauma made sense.
Afterwards, I joined a face-to-face group with other birth parents. I had never met another birth parent before. They became my second family, and they’ve been central to my recovery ever since.
From silence to advocacy
In 2022, I was invited with PAC-UK and other birth parents to Westminster to share our experiences with the House of Lords about the Children and Families Act 2014. Speaking there was powerful; it showed me the importance of using my voice.
Since then, I’ve joined Adoption England’s Birth Parent Reference Group and become a parent panel member with Family Rights Group. For the past three years, I’ve been part of research, policy discussions and system changes. Slowly, I’ve seen my voice contribute to real change, especially around maintaining meaningful relationships in adoption, which is deeply important to me.
I now volunteer with PAC-UK, moving from being a service user to a supporter. I also work with adoption agencies in the North, speaking to prospective adopters during training and sharing my story. It’s not easy, but it’s rewarding to break down barriers and build understanding between adopters and birth families.
What I wish had been different
Looking back, I wish I had received post-adoption support from the very beginning. It could have prevented so much harm. The support I eventually received was life changing.
Support for birth parents shouldn’t come only after proceedings are finished. It is needed before and throughout care proceedings. With better understanding and compassion, we can prevent some of the trauma that so many of us carry.
Support is not a luxury – it’s essential. Birth parents deserve to be seen, heard and supported. With the right help, we can begin to heal.
About PAC-UK
PAC-UK is the country’s largest independent adoption support agency, offering specialist services to birth parents, adopters and families affected by adoption. You can find out more about them here: [PAC-UK website link to be inserted].
Support for birth families
At Adoption England, we recognise that more needs to be done to help maintain meaningful relationships in adoption. We are working with birth parents, adopters and professionals to make progress in this area, and we are committed to continuing this work so that all voices are heard. Adoption England has a dedicated page with information and resources for birth families: Birth Families Support.
If you are struggling with your mental health, you can also reach out for support through your GP or contact organisations such as Samaritans on 116 123.